I’m feeling the stinging of loneliness tonight. The past memories have caught up with the present. I tried burying them, but they kept jabbing at me. Now I have finally burst. Emotions have overwhelmed me. I’m half buried six feet under.
I was on a high. A buzz. And before I knew it, I allowed it to carry me away down the river. Swiftly. But sooner or later, the river reaches the ocean. Where storms are the most dangerous if one is not careful enough to tuck the sail in. I left my sail out in hopes of catching the right wind to drift away again onto better waters. Calm waters. But the storms only tore parts of the sail. I was stranded.
I feel the stinging of loneliness tonight. The present moment scares me, because I don’t know what the future holds for me. I try busying my mind so I don’t think about anything else. I pray in a hushed voice, intentional about who doesn’t hear what I have to say to God. I am scared of their judgement.
I cannot stand here and lie to everyone’s face. Pretending I’m okay even though I’m hurting. I’m hurting. Half hurting. It’s controlling my actions, my thoughts… I will not lie, and say I’ve moved on. I’m far from moving. I’m still halfway in the process of accepting what I already knew a long time ago.
I feel the stinging of loneliness tonight. But I can’t regret the past, because it’s what helped shape me into who I am today. I can’t be sad that my eyes were finally opened to what my heart had already exposed. I’ll strive to be a better woman. For Him. Because if I focus on Him, He will provide. And maybe down the road, if permitted, I will feel different. I won’t feel lonely, but loved. Not fear, but trust. Not discouraged, but hopeful.
I’m sad it’s over…but I’m happy it happened. I’m almost living the life I should be living. It’s a slow process, but I’m halfway there.