Once a Thought, Twice a Memory

I first thought about suicide, momentarily, at the age of 15.

I wasn’t depressed. Well maybe if I went to the doctor, based on my symptoms, I would have been diagnosed with a slight case of depression. But I didn’t think of myself as depressed. I would have said that I was more…hateful. I hated the man who lived with my mom    he was a jerk. I  hated myself because I let his jerkness get to me.

So the question is, why did I think about suicide? It first popped into my head as I was crying in my pillow after I had gotten yelled at. My dog had come into my room, jumped on my bed, and began nudging me. I turned and looked at him and said in between sobs, “I can’t do this anymore, Chief. I can’t deal with him.“Chief, as if understanding exactly my thoughts, squished himself practically onto me and moved his nose underneath my chin. He was, and still is today, my best friend.

I wanted so badly to just be away from this place. I couldn’t run away, because I wouldn’t get far. And even if I did manage to get far, how would I survive? No money. No car. No job. Suicide seemed like the best thing for me. As Chief nudged me however, I knew that leaving him behind would be unfair. Even if he was just a dog, he cared about me, and I couldn’t hurt someone who cared about me.

It wasn’t until years later, when I was in my first year of college that suicide found it’s way back into my thoughts. I don’t even know how it came up as a thought. It was just…there. It was stressful, my first year. I had no roommate. Well, I did, however she lived with her boyfriend 99% of the time. I was lonely. I had only a few people I talked to. Only one of which was mostly on a daily basis. I longed to be back in high school, where at least I had my girls.

I missed my dog more than anything. I missed the feeling of his body laying next to my legs and keeping them warm. I missed his cold, wet nose nudging me after I hit snooze on my alarm. I mostly missed his silly personality and how it was almost like he purposely tried to make me laugh. He ran with me on the trails.

It was the first time my ex and I started having issues. We started fighting. And we both were struggling financially. Our quality time started slipping. I had no idea what to do, because I didn’t know how to be in a relationship. He was my first serious guy I dated.

I was struggling spiritually as well. I was starting to question my beliefs. Wondering what my purpose was (don’t all Christians struggle with this at least once). I felt like my prayers weren’t being answered. months or even a year or two later I discovered that every prayer of mine was answered. Not necessarily how I wanted them to be, but much better than I expected.

Suicide seemed like a generous way to go. But one day I was having lunch and talking to a friend, and the subject of suicide came up.She mentioned how her friend’s brother took his own life, and how it affected her    someone not even that close to the guy. She said that it tore her up to see her friend crying. To see that her friend had died inside. She hated it. I never mentioned to her that I had thought about ending my life. but I knew that was God’s way of telling me my thoughts were stupid.

I can’t say I never thought about suicide in the years to follow from that moment. I struggle with the question of, “What if…?” But I can say that I obviously haven’t taken my life. I started letting the light that I had buried within me take over the darkness I had succumb to. My thoughts were overpowered with thoughts of peace and love from Him. He saved me, by using a friend who was there. Not once, but twice.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7


Author: Angellus1325

I'm a little weird. I'm sad I didn't get to take advantage of being a kid in the 90's. But I'm a big believer in Jesus.

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