I lay here in my bed. Staring in the darkness above me. My dog snoozes at the foot of my bed, his body tucked along the side of my leg. My blanket barely covers me as the thick layers of heat in my room makes it hard to be comfortable. I strongly dislike sleeping in heat. So many thoughts constantly playing across my mind.
Recently, one of my dear friends was dumped after 3 years. Thrown out the window like a cigarette butt. And it’s been hard to see her so down in the dumps, because that’s exactly where I was just a short 2 years ago. There’s so much pain and heartbreak when you spend 3 years with someone and put your heart and soul into that person who literally is your best friend, to being nothing more than a mere acquaintance in the end. I feel like I can’t even be that great of a friend for her right now because I’m trying to figure out how to comfort her. At the same time I know that I can’t make her get over him, only time can do that. Relationships are hard. Breakups are harder. The struggles from either are the hardest.
Today I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a kid who was a few years behind me in school had died unexpectedly on Monday. He was 19 going on 20 in a couple months. Nineteen. I don’t want to imagine how his parents and older brother are handling it (his brother graduated with me).
As I was driving to work I had to take the long way because the main road I typically take had construction going on it right now. So it’s blocked off except to local traffic only. And I’d rather not mess with having to wait to try and measle my way through. There were detour signs pointing a way to go around it. Which made me think how long that detour was. Technically there were several backroads that would be a lot quicker, but those backroads are really curvy and sometimes you have to take a turn onto another road before you wind up on the main road you would need. But the detour signs pointed in the most straightforward way to get to that main road—down the highway and boom you’re there. But it’s so much longer, not only mile wise but time wise as well. It made me think how detours don’t necessarily show you the shortest way, but they bring you the most straightforward, logical way. If you were to try to take a “shortcut” you may wind up in the complete opposite way that you would want. But if you take that detour, the specific signs that point out to where you need to go, then you will find you destination indeed.
I ended up falling for a man unexpectedly, and I thought he had feelings for me too (I mean he kind of told me several times he did). We became really good friends, and in the end he told me he thought it would be best if we just stayed friends. I had to hide the hurt and frustration I was feeling. And in the end, we’re still good friends. I’m over those feelings. And I think it was for the best anyways. But I still miss the thought of him liking me. I feel like everyone keeps saying “Oh, you’re young. You’ll find Mr. Right when the time is right for you.” Yes. I’m young. I know. In due time, right? I keep telling everyone I don’t want to get married or have kids. Which is partly true. I’d love to get married…someday. But having children scares me more than it should.
I can’t help but wonder why I wasn’t able to find a job on my field after graduation. I keep beating myself up saying it’s because I wasn’t willing to move anywhere else but my hometown. There’s so many rich opportunities (not rich like money wise but rich like as in an infinite amount) if I were willing to move to another town or out of state even. But I like My state. I like my town. I like my friends here. I like my church. I like my job and coworkers. As much as I ponder what would have happened had I stayed in Green Bay, I can’t help but feel happy to know that the life decisions I made were still as pertinent and blessed as well.
I’ve become a huge night owl, and I stay up way too late. Writing. And thinking. And watching YouTube videos on facts about different things (like short documentaries). I hate it. I wish I could go to bed early and rise early.
I recently applied for an apartment with one of my best friends. I think it will be a nice new adventure for me. I’m excited because they allow pets. And I think that despite that the non written rule is to not live with your best friend, that in the end we’ll be fine (but I am slightly nervous she may dislike me in the end).
These are the many things that ramble inside my head as I try to wish sleep upon me. I pray to Jesus for my friends who are hurting. And often times I cry myself to sleep praying, because my heart has such a heavy burden for all my friends who are suffering now.
I’m tired now. Finally.