If there is one thing I do not enjoy doing, it is talking about me. I never have anything to say about myself other than, “I’m weird.” Because in reality, I am weird. So I want to talk about something that girls (and boys) can relate to: weight.
Let me start from the beginning, where I first learned that weight and looks and all that stuff can be important.
In fifth grade, I was the biggest kid in my class. Height-wise and weight-wise. At 5’0″ I towered over my classmates. Literally. In fifth grade, I weighed about 150#. Yes, I was like a weed purposely planted in a pot of miracle grow. I received water everyday, and the right amount of sunshine. When I started 6th grade, my miracle grow lost it’s nutrients, and the watering can turned dry
most of my classmates had shot up over the summer, and were now taller than me….today? Yeah if the 14 other students and I had to line up by height, I would be the last in line. In 6th grade, I learned very quickly that being my size is “abnormal.”
It didn’t bother me that much (at first), because I had a few people who I considered to be my best friends. But every now and then, I would look at myself in my bedroom mirror, and yearn to be…thinner. I soon struggled with constantly starving myself, and binge eating (because I was sooo hungry from not eating…) It started out small, but then the “problem” turned into an obsession. The obsession turned into a habit. My habit formed my thoughts, which fed into my obsession. The cycle kept turning.
I didn’t tell anybody how I felt, well not outright anyways. I would say things to my friends like “You’re so pretty just the way you are,” and then in the same sentence tear myself down by calling myself “fat.”
Sometime in my 8th grade year, I had a girl tell me that I should learn to love who I am now, and love my body the way it is, because someday it won’t be the same. I will never be the same size that I was at the moment, and I will never be the same person I was at the moment.
So right before I entered high school I promised myself that I would be done with hating myself. I would accept who I was, and what I looked like. I honestly felt better about myself, and throughout my freshman year I don’t think I cared what the number said on my scale. To be honest, I don’t know when I gained weight or lost it, because I only weighed myself twice. And both times were during gym.
Throughout my high school career, I believe I stayed at a constant weight. I probably fluctuated during winter time, or when I had gym. During the summer of 2009, I did go on a crazy weight-loss kick and believe I lost around 20#. That was also the summer I chopped off nine inches of my hair. It was a tad bit higher than my shoulders…
But then as I started walking on my college path, I ate normal, but I exercised less. Way less. I gained the stereotypical “freshman fifteen.” It got worse after my freshman year, because I drank a lot more soda. I won’t blame it on my roommate who drinks only soda. I blame it on myself for not listening to myself, and for taking the easy way out. Trust me, buying a case of soda is easier than trying to drink healthier. City water is gross. We only had a mini-fridge that only has so much room. I don’t believe in bottle water (that’s a whole ‘nother rant…).
Needless to say, that after my third year of college, I gained a lot more weight than I ever wanted to. But I am also bound and determined to lose the weight. I started my weight-loss goal I would say officially at the beginning of May. It was when the week of finals were taking place. I remember clearly, because although I had time, and I really only sat in my chair typing up a million papers (because I didn’t have finals, only papers…), I didn’t eat anything. For about 2 or 3 days straight, I only drank water, and water. I might of had a granola bar or something…That’s not exactly a healthy way to try and lose weight, but my depression level was full.
But the following week, I really started pushing myself to eat better, and to snack often. I drank a lot of water. Now I usually drink water or juice, although soda has a way of creepin’ into my life. Mountain Dew always hits my weak-spot. Especially Baja Blast! I still try to snack throughout the day, but as I work an 8 hour shift, I don’t get a break or a chance to sit down unless I have to use the bathroom.
I’ve lost about 20# so far this summer. 15 of those pounds are when I moved back home and started working again. 20# is a great start, and I’m so over-joyed to be 20# lighter! I can feel the difference, I really can.
Twenty pounds down, many more to go. As Taylor Swift put it, “I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake…shake it off!”