Define Relationship

One of the hardest goodbyes I’ve ever had to experience was right before the beginning of two summers ago, when my ex and I parted ways. Despite the fact that we were on a break for awhile before then, as I watched him drive away, a deep pain twisted my stomach like someone punched me. It was in that moment I knew that we would never be more than acquaintances ever again. Sure we talk when we see each other at church events, but neither of us go out of our way to have a conversation with one another.

It was hard. And to be brutally honest, I don’t even know why. In the end, there was nothing but constant fighting and emotional drainage. I was jealous of his time he barely gave to our relationship. I was jealous of all the girls he would secretly talk to when I would be sitting there wondering why he wasn’t responding to my messages, and I was hurt that he would talk about me behind my back to these girls not only telling them lies, but bashing on some of my personal medical issues. Not that I was perfect either. In the end I probably could have tried harder; I felt justified in giving nothing because I felt like I was getting nothing.

That summer, though it was painful and lonely, it was probably one of the most rejuvenating summers yet. For the first time in a long time I discovered who I was as a person. I learned what kind of qualities I look for in people—whether it be a friend or partner. And my true friends revealed themselves.

Since my breakup I’ve embraced the whole single status. It’s fun. I can go out with friends and not have to worry. I can go days without having to text or call a specific person and not have to worry. But it’s also lonely. I see many of my friends getting engaged. I watched two of my friends get married a couple months ago, and I have two more friends getting married in about a month. I’ve also been browsing Facebook and see so many posts about expecting. There are days where I ask myself “what am I doing wrong?” I wonder if there is someone out there this exact moment wondering the same exact thing. I question if God’s plan in my life includes me finding someone special.

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog about living life with the “single” status, and how even in the end if that’s what I’m meant to do then so be it. Granted, I would love to find a special someone, but I think that even if I didn’t, I could be happy. Because my purpose in life isn’t to get married and have children (goodness, I’m at point in my life where I don’t even know if I want children), my purpose in life is about serving Him and bringing others to Him.

Relationship is defined as, “an emotional or other connection between people.” I had this relationship with this person, while my relationship with God was diminishing. Into a line. A thin, thin line. I started skimping (yes that’s a real word) on my prayer life. I avoided subjects about faith or God, because I was afraid that someone would know and say, “Hey, you aren’t even that religious.” Oh sure. It was easy to continue to dress and look all “churchy” but it was hard to utter the simple phrase, “Thank you, Jesus.” One of the easiest goodbyes I was experiencing was saying, “Bye” to Jesus. The One I shouldn’t have been waving off.

When I finally bid goodbye to the person in my life that was hindering my relationship with God, that’s when He started mending my heart. The healing process was beginning. And honestly, I’m still healing. My heart still has stitches on it from where the words of my ex slashed into me. Even though I do feel the depths of loneliness more often than not, I know that it’s not in my best interest to have someone in my life at the moment. Because I’m still learning and growing with Him.

In the end of my relationship, it wasn’t love that I felt, it was numbness and convenience of having someone. I wasn’t giving because I wasn’t getting. Loving someone is about giving your best and not expecting anything in return. And if two people love each other, they’ll give consistently as much as they will receive consistently.

In the end, I was just settling because I felt like I wouldn’t have anyone. And that’s something that no one should ever do. Settling because one is afraid of living the rest of their lives partner-less is probably one of the least satisfactory things in life. One of the best things I’ve ever been told is, “There are worse things than being single, and that is being in a relationship, and wishing you weren’t.” So maybe for now, I’ll keep my relationship status as, “Single, but still hopeful, but not too hopeful, more like a casual hopeful. But also okay if I’m forever single.” Don’t ever settle for less than what you’re worth. Because you are worth MORE than gold.

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Living a Life…Singlely

I’m not trying to brag when I say this, but in the past year I’ve been asked out several times. I’ve even been proposed to (it was very awkward). In every instance, I’ve always turned them down and make an excuse as to why. It wasn’t until I’ve recently attended the Winter Youth Conference, one of the most amazing experiences ever, that I realized I shouldn’t have to make up an excuse as to why I “can’t date.” Am I ashamed that my relationship status on Facebook reads single? N-O. I’m not ashamed to be single, so I should be able to just say “No, I’ll wait for a man in God’s timing.”

Why is being single one of the most frowned upon things? Is it too bad to be independent? Is it so bad being so engrossed with God that one simply doesn’t have the time or desire for a relationship?
Here’s the deal, I’m single. And I’m okay with that. thumbs up

I have no problem being single because frankly I don’t have time for boys. See, I am running towards God in the Big Marathon called life. I don’t have time to stop for anybody. If I stop, which I have done before, I might lose focus…again. If I stop, I might forget the reason as to why I even started running. Then I might feel the ache in my legs, and never have the desire to get back in the race. If I forfeit now, then I will never cross the finish line. Or if I do manage to cross the finish line, I’m going to wind up in last place. Last place isn’t an option for me, not if I purposely stop in the middle God’s plan.

finishline

I don’t really have the dedication for a relationship. I go to school full time and I work part time. My Sunday’s are dedicated to church; Wednesdays are full to the brim with either running media at church, or attending meetings for a school organization. My only free day    Saturday’s    are always spent catching up on my z’s and doing all sorts of homework.

Another reason I’m okay with the single life is because after a long day, I have zero energy for a relationship. I even find it difficult to read my bible sometimes because of how exhausted I am. Not gonna lie, somedays I have to force myself to read at least a chapter of scripture. So how can I possibly add onto my daily activities “call or check in with ‘bae’?”

I know what I want in a guy, and I have yet to find a man with all of the qualities I desire. You know, I could choose to settle or allow one thing to slide, but I can’t. I’ve already lived that life     ask me how unsatisfactory it was. If I want a man who is very careful with money, and he spends all of his funds willy-nilly, then I’m not going to be 100% satisfied. If I want a man who is modest, then I probably shouldn’t date one who constantly is flashing himself shirtless on Instagram. I don’t want a guy who is lusted after    eww. Yes, I have high standards. Yes, some might say that no man is perfect. You are correct, no man is perfect. But, if God’s plan for my life includes marriage, then there is a perfect man out there for me. One I’ll be 100% satisfied with.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.     Proverbs 31:30

poopHonestly, I’m still picking up the pieces from my previous relationship that ended over a year ago. Ya know what? It stinks. Like stinky-McStinky pig manure. Bethany, my youth leader and mentor, had to walk me through all of the hardships I’ve endured. And tell me countless times the same repeated phrase that God has a better plan. Every time I would ignore her, until one day I realized she was right. That there is a better plan out there.

Bethany makes singleness look awesome. Her high standards have inspired me to strive for the better. She’s one of the most independent women I know, and she’s not about to stop and sit around for a guy. She’s going full force after God, and because of that men treat her with such a high respect. They know she be a Godly woman, and ain’t none of them prepared to be a following her (sorry, my southern hick voice just came out).

DSCF3743Bethany loves God with all of her heart. She shows it in her worship; she shows it in her dedication to drive her youth group through the biggest snowstorm of 2015, just to get them to a youth church conference. If there is somebody out there that deserves a husband, it’s Bethany. But if there is somebody out there that proves not all women need a man, it’s Bethany. Someday, when I finally do grow up, I strive to be just like her, even if it means I follow in her footsteps of being single.